Machine Gun Etiquette ... Shoot The Band

Jeremy Cunningham/the Levellers

You can usually judge a band by the company they keep. You want to hang out with starlets and sycophants? Congratulations...you're Kurt Cobain and you'll soon be dead. You want to hang out with accountants and business advisors? Congratulations...you're Gary Barlow and you'll soon make the front page of the Daily Mail for all the wrong reasons. You want to hang out with either god or satan? Congratulations...we've already forgotten you even existed. Walking the tightrope of celebrity is no mean feat and, let's face it, everybody's going to laugh when you screw it up.

It's more reliable to gauge a band's potential longevity by the strength of the supporting pyramid which keeps the thing afloat.

A Prawn Star Is Born...

Kitty Prawn

Photographing food is a painstaking and mind-bending exercise. You can only stare at a dead fish for so long before your vision and concentration begin to waver. Dead fish might not be able to talk but they can sure vibe you out in a fairly sinister way.

Grand Theft Photo...save the giraffes!

Watermarks are the scars of Satan. At best a watermark will flag you to the world as a pompous and vain-glorious amateur. At worst you will ruin a perfectly average photograph. Let's face it - no one's going to steal your picture of a lop-sided and over-saturated sunset or a dribbling toddler in a  paddling pool. A watermark does not make your photograph any better. A watermark does not make you any more important. A watermark simply sits there smugly waiting for a round of applause. Hear that? Tumbleweed. You suck.